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How to "un-settle" your closet
5 tips for a closet purge and a text convo with a client
Actual text received this morning:
BA (we’ll just call her BAD ASS) followed it up with this:
Maybe you, too, read last week’s newsletter and had a moment of panic. So I asked BA if I could share our convo and she graciously said yes (while also reiterating that I tell everyone about how she wanted to die - the humor! 💀).
So here is what I would do (or would recommend you to do) if I were about to be in full on closet purge mode:
1. Create your Structure of Style.
No ifs ands or buts. Do not pass go. Do not touch your closet util you have established your own set of rules - your Structure of Style. Your Structure of Style is your guideline to everything about your closet, getting dressed, and shopping. It is unique to you.
There is no point in purging your closet until you understand the reason why items work or don’t work for you.
Creating your Structure of Style is simple - it’s a series of questions and exercises to explore yourself and your closet. And, at the same time, creating your Structure of Style is very, very hard - because of those series of questions and exercises that you, most likely, have never taken the time to fully - or ever- ask before. But, as you’ll see through my convo with BA, the results are worth it.
Style Lab is the perfect place to start to create Your Structure of Style. This lays out everything in one, downloadable workbook with 6 chapters and 15+ exercises. If you want one-on-one support, you can schedule a Style Foundations session or enroll in the full Structure of Style program. Program options are here.
2. Respond - don’t react to your closet.
My first response to BA was “ Do not go full on purge!”
I panic a little whenever someone tells me they are going full on closet clean out. My worry for anyone when they go straight into purge territory is that they are reacting to an emotional situation (nothing to wear! nothing fits! burn it to the ground!) instead of responding to the factual situation happening in their closet (nothing to wear and nothing to fit can be true, but you do not, in fact, need to burn it down. You need to evaluate it).
When you react emotionally to your closet, you may feel temporarily better, but you won’t have actually achieved anything of value for you or your wardrobe because getting rid of things doesn’t fix your closet problem. Creating rules - and following them, does.
However, when BA said she was in full on purge, and was following the rules - I knew she GOT IT. I knew she was using her Structure of Style. She was responding to her closet instead of reacting.
Once you’ve established your Structure of Style and know your vibe, your colors, your body, your shapes - then yes, you can go and purge and reset because you’ve got a set of rules to fall back on and guide you.
Reminder: BA’s rules around colors and vibes will be different than your rules! Also note how specific she is with the colors - the “right teal” being a great example. This is the type of specific that I want you to focus on in your own closet explorations. You want to get into ALL of the nitty gritty. There is no detail that is too small or un-relevant to your Structure of Style.
3. Do get rid of the “noise."
The things you’re hanging on to - the things you’re settling for - that’s noise.
This noise is cluttering up your closet and making it pretty dang hard to get dressed. It’s taking up physical space and quite literally, getting in the way. How many times have you riffled through your closet, pushing aside clothes that make you think: Ugh. Hate this. Never wear this. Why do I have this? in order to get to the clothes you do like and want to wear?
And the pieces that are causing you actual pain? The bras that are too tight, the shoes that pinch? NOISE. Chuck ‘em. They are not worth your closet space.
Note also BA’s plan to replace her dresses (she’s not a dress gal) - with something more her - a pants suit she won’t settle for. A pants suit that will most likely be the most bad ass pants suit a funeral has ever seen (I know BA and I can’t wait to see what she finds to replace the dresses).
4. Know that it’s going to suck.
When I asked if I could share a snippet of our texts, BA said, “Sure. Don’t leave out the part where I wanted to die. It’s important and I think (at least for me) a part of the process. You have to die to be born anew, right? Not to be nuts or anything, but finding your style/what fits/getting to know your body (sometimes over and over and over again) is emotional and at times sort of gut wrenching.”
Sometimes people joke that our sessions are like therapy. Yes, they can feel like that. Clothes, especially for women, are so closely associated with our bodies, self-image, worth, accomplishments, and success that figuring it out can be really hard and very emotional. And when it changes (again) because of weight gain, divorce, moving, having children? We have to go through the emotional (feelings) and physical (getting rid of clothes, buying new clothes) processing all over again. It can be a double gut punch.
As a systems loving, check-list oriented person, I love the rules that Structure of Style brings. It helps to deemphasize (while still acknowledging and working through) all the things that clothes bring up. Because it will suck sometimes. It will be hard and frustrating and annoying and you’ll hate it and want to give up and make it all go away. And learning how to navigate those feelings and create structures and processes for yourself to more effectively deal with those aspects is a part of that process.
5. Know that you can lead yourself to more aligned style - on your own, once you create your guidelines.
“I feel like I’m not some fashion expert now, but it’s totally possible to become an expert in what feels best and looks good on your own body. You helped me with that tremendously.” - BA.
My #1 goal for is for people to learn how to dress themselves. What good is a stylist coming over, chucking all your clothes and giving you a whole new wardrobe if you just have to turn to them again and again?
True story: what I described above is actually how the very first session with BA went in 2017. The majority of her then wardrobe left in 3 giant blue IKEA bags. I actually asked if she would be okay until we got her new items, that was how little was left. I was legitimately worried. As a beginning stylist, I felt it was my duty to follow the conventional path of personal styling: clear a closet out, shop, make outfits. While that process was still about the client and their wants/needs, it was very much driven by me, the “professional” and a prescriptive way of how things had to go to get results.
To me, that traditional way doesn’t feel like a good use of money or time for most people. I want you to learn how to dress yourself once and for all so that you can ALWAYS give yourself a reset, know exactly how to navigate it, and feel empowered in the process. Because guess what - you, not me, are actually, right now, the expert in yourself. You might just need space and guidance in order to uncover this superpower.
BA and I have worked together several times over the past seven years. When she approached me in 2022, she was in new place in life - done having her 5 babies, ready to reclaim her body for herself - and wanted her wardrobe to reflect where she was currently.
I shared the Structure of Style with her and how my own programs had changed over the years. She was all in.
As I’ve gone through my own life transitions (divorce, lots of self-growth and therapy, getting remarried), I learned and created new processes around personal styling that are, in my opinion, much more impactful and long lasting - because they are YOU driven. I guide and ask questions, but I’ve had more than one client send me links of items THEY want to buy that are more on point than what I’ve picked for them. I love this! This is the power of trusting yourself.
Structure of Style is not an easy, simple program - it requires time, dedication, and doing a lot of the heavy lifting work on your own.
But, as evidenced by this full on purge and reset that BA led herself through by following the guidelines we created 2 years ago, it works. And these are the results I want for every person - “to become an expert in what feels best and looks good on your own body.” That is what Structure of Style can give you when you’re ready for it.
And I promise, you won’t actually die, even if it feels like it.
Related style articles:
〰️ Where Are You Settling In Your Closet? Last week’s newsletter that prompted the “full on purge, but following the rules” text from BA.
〰️ A Structured Style. The four components necessary to finding your personal style.
〰️ The Goal of Shopping is not to Buy Things. A Structure of Style principle.
〰️ Style Lab is open! Style Lab is a 6 week, self-led style program. You’ll get a downloadable e-work book with chapters full of prompts and experiments to work through. This is the starter for creating your Structure of Style.
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This was funny and helpful